[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Just me?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.