[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats