[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Some people were born into their job.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.