Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.