Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

#SCOTUS one-star review

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..