Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.