Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve