Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.