Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people