Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

every college guy’s fridge

i’m still crying at this

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

If you want my opinion ask my wife

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.