Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
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This squirrel eats better than I do
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Not my job 😂
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you