Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Big Sex has us all fooled

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.