Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

Hey i am sexy to you now

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass