Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death