Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.