Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.