Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–