Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
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*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”