Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Me too 😆

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.