Feb: I have 28 days this month.
Jan: I had 28 days each week.
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Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Love this one 😂🧟
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids