Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other