Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.