Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Thank you corporation very cool

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

I think this cat is broken

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”