Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Milk Cube

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.