Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Lol

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.