Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

Word!

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

I am crying

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Möther may I have a snäck

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!