Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

In banana years, I am bread.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan