Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

Dead
Alive
Other✔

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.