[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
🤔😂😂
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine