Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣