Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.