Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

Lmao

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL