February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭