Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?