Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.