Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Haha good job!!
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.