Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.