Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.