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ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”