“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even