“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real