“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.