Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

Just as the prophecy foretold

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room