Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

#Caturday

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out