fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
You Might Also Like
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’