fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.