Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal