Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Yes, this is exactly right
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.