Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

mechanics be like

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

that would 100% work on me

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.