Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.