Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Spring of Deception

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*