fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
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Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11