fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
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I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Erm…