fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Something Saturday.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.