Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Me driving through Toronto

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.