Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

My sex drive has a dui

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Was it something I said?

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife