Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Brother?

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Left at a local drug store…

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”