fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Cats (2019)
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Sponch
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…