fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator