Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

Passed by a old school Math example today.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.