Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before