Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

multitasking lunch

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.