Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.