Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.