Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Pro tip for my good boys out there

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery