Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.