“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
Feed a cold, starve a fever, wine and nacho a vaccination
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Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
This is a bobcat. 😂
Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”