My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
You Might Also Like
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
☺️
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
my fav colour is also hitler
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.