Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Mission: Impossible
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Meow?
