Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
cry laughing at this shit
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.