Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful