(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
OH. COME. ON.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.