Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
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If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I don鈥檛 know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
signs you鈥檙e dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm鈥onversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it鈥檚 called an ice cube
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Legend 馃ぃ馃ぃ
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.