Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.