*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
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Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I cannot call her anything else now
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.