*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
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People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
“The Perfect Relationship”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.