*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
That was easy.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.