Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh