Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?