[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
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If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.